Wish you were here
by Emerald Embers
Summary: Cloud muses on Zack's death. YAOI content. And I'm glad to be writing again after my break!


Wish you were here... 

Wish you were here...

by Emerald Embers

Louise_cmi_vc@hotmail.com

Rated R for yaoi and bad language

Non-profit fan-fiction

  
  
  


[Cloud]

  
  
  


I looked at the photograph one last time, lump in my throat, before placing it amongst the other papers, ready for burning. Vincent was going to help me burn down the Nibelheim mansion, in the hope that this could help us both deal with our pasts. Since my memory had returned, pieced together with Tifa's help, I had been forged to wonder whether or not it was a worse collection of memories than the false ones had been.

  
  
  


I wish I had forgotten Zack altogether, or that he had been a figment of my imagination, a bad dream. But that photograph had only proved his existence. And only reality could produce a nightmare that cruel.

  
  
  


_We had come so far, survived so much, only for him to be shot dead by those Shinra bastards. Killed, right in front of me, and I couldn't count how many bullets they had fired into Zack's body to make sure he stayed down..._

  
  
  


Leaving the room, I watched Vincent come out from where we had originally found him, the faint salty trail of a tear still visible on his cheek. We only gave each other a brief glance, both wanting to acknowledge the other's presence without disrupting our thoughts. No matter how much I sometimes wanted to hit Vincent for his solemnity, I knew I wouldn't, because I understood why he was that way. After all, if it wasn't for Tifa, I might have been exactly the same.

  
  
  


I walked up the spiral staircase, remembering the panic from when Zack first made the descent downwards to the library. Emerging finally in the otherwise unused room, I found a canister of gasoline left there by Vincent. Picking up the canister, I started to soak the flammable materials in the room, before making a trail from the carpet, down across the landing and into the bedroom on the opposite side of the house.

  
  
  


_I remembered that bedroom so well... remembered returning here with Zack after failing to find Sephiroth, the way he had tried to soothe my nerves with that mischeivous smile of his and a typical bad joke, before going on to soothe me in a quite different way._

  
  
  


I had loved the way his skin felt against mine. Not soft, or overly smooth, but firm and hard, substantial. His substance gave me the sense of protection I had craved, but not dared ask for... it was as if he would always be there, always ready to look after me. Zack was never beautiful, like Sephiroth had been. Zack wasn't even particularly handsome. But the flaws in his features were unimportant - it was the way he used them that made him attractive. Bright and optimistic, even to the end, his eyes held a sparkle beyond the unnatural mako glow. And his smile was his best feature... I thought it was beautiful, but why, I could not tell. Maybe because that smile was mostly for me.

  
  
  


I began to soak the beds in gasoline, a few tears escaping as flashbacks of our last night together flooded my head. Vincent's gold hand gripped my shoulder after a while, making me jump; I had not heard him come in. "Cloud, I'm ready. I've prepared the bottom floor." I nodded, hugged my stomach after dropping the canister, and started to leave the mansion. The strong smell of gasoline filled the air, but compared with the sewers and suchlike we had been through, it wasn't a particularly bad scent.

  
  
  


I walked outside and sat down on the sandy floor, watched Vincent light up a cigarette before throwing down the match and walking back to sit at my side as the flames from the match started to spread along the gasoline trail. Observing Vincent with the cigarette, I voiced my thoughts. "When did you start smoking?" A tiny smile flittered across his lips, registering for longer in his eyes.

"Cid got me hooked. Not intentionally, he..." Vincent trailed off, obviously not wanting to elaborate. I noticed how Cid's name seemed to make the ex-turk grow serene, much as he did whenever he was in the pilot's presence. This didn't surprise me, considering some of the sounds that emerged from Vincent's bedroom late at night, unless of course he was in the habit of crying out his own name.

  
  
  


I watched the flames start climbing up the stairs, felt a strange satisfaction that this time the house would burn, and the rest of Nibelheim village be left untouched, rather than the other way around. Vincent on the other hand simply looked on, face emotionless except for an expression that would normally be read as "I told you so,". He must have planned the arson for a long time.

  
  
  


As I studied Vincent, I also noticed a very slight crease at the sides of his mouth that had not been there before. This surprised me; it was the first sign of aging he had displayed since I had first found him here, and not only that, but the position of the crease suggested that it came from small smiles such as the one he had shown me earlier. "Vincent, are you happy?" he turned towards me, and a slow, mysterious look of serenity crept across his face.

"When did you notice the attitude change?"

"I didn't. That's why I'm asking." Vincent looked to the flames, then back to me, and nodded. "Why?" The ex-turk stubbed out his cigarette on the nearby grass, seemingly bored with it.

"Cid." The way that the dark-haired man said his lover's name reminded me of how I used to speak about Zack. "Cid makes me happy. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh. I sometimes feel guilty, still, though."

"Why?"

"You're really starting to act like a child." Vincent smiled at the frown his words brought from me. "I feel guilty because he has done so much for me, and yet, I have nothing to give him in return save for this." Vincent placed a hand over his heart, sighed quietly. I couldn't resist snorting with amusement. "Yes, 'cheesy', I'm fully aware." A dark but not angry or sad expression flickered across his face briefly, "But by god above, it's true." Turning away from me, Vincent continued to watch the flames for a while longer before he finally began to grow drowsy. "I wish Cid was here, actually..."

"Why?" He turned to me, emotionally caught somewhere between amusement, anger, and disbelief.

"For your own sake I hope your last question was just coincidence." I smirked before lying down fully to look up at the stars.

"Forget it then. You never realise how many of them there are when you're in Midgar, do you?" Vincent nodded in reply to my question, when I heard a loud yell from behind us.

  
  
  


"HEY! You stupid bastards we've been looking EVERYWHERE for you, woah SHIT what've you done to the mansion are you fucking CRAZY?!" Those delicate tones could only belong to one person.

"Nice to see you too, Cid." The pilot ran up to the mansion, then turned to us, his mouth shaping half-formed sentences, but no sound coming out. Vincent smiled and shifted to stand up, before walking over to Cid and whispering something in the pilot's ear. The dirty grin on the pilot's face made me thankful for not being able to hear whatever the ex-turk had said.

"Fine, you're not in trouble. Just shift your asses back to the Highwind, and quickly." Vincent glanced at me briefly, not smiling though his eyes shone with wickedness, and gestured for me to start off ahead to the ship before turning back to Cid. Repressing the urge to turn around and see why Vincent was lagging behind with the pilot for the sake of my sanity, I carried on with my journey and fought back jealousy. Years back, it was Zack and I who people would be forced to politely ignore while they travelled... very few people had quite the same ability as Zack to turn any stable, or even unstable object into a makeshift bed. I remember him telling me about one time when he had made love to someone atop a chocobo... which was, apparently, an experience he never wanted to repeat. Generally though, he tended to choose more... sensible places to rest while he was with me.

  
  
  


_"Do you love me?" Zack asked in a rather matter-of-fact voice as I cuddled up to him on the cold bench, covered only by our jackets._

"I don't know... what does love feel like?"

"Like something you could never describe," Zack laughed, before pressing a light kiss to my forehead. "It's way too deep for me to try and explain, I have enough trouble with facts, nevermind philosophy!" I blushed and rested my head against his chest, listening to his heart-beat, his pulse still racing from our recent exploits.

"Is it like... always wanting that person to be there with you, no matter what?" Zack shrugged and glared at a passing stranger, happy to keep up the pretence we were only on the bench because we had nowhere else to sleep. Which was partly true, as we had no money to rent a room, though we probably could have scrimped some off the other SOLDIERs had we desperately needed proper shelter.

"It could well be... like I said, it's something you can't really explain. I think I might love you though, if what you suggested is true." I smiled and tightened my hold on him.

"Good. Because I think I might love you too..."

  
  
  


I shook my head and found my usual place at the front of the Highwind, heard Cid climb aboard with Vincent a few minutes later. I fought back angry tears, knowing that if Tifa caught sight of them she would be desperate to find out what was upsetting me, and the truth was I didn't want anyone to know. Not yet, anyway.

  
  
  


Finally the engines started up, and I watched the burning Shinra mansion fade into the distance as the Highwind drove off, waved as it disappeared from my view. "Goodbye, Zack," I muttered quietly to myself before turning and walking off the bridge into the main hallway of the Highwind, wondering when the time would come for me to join him. Because I knew he would be waiting for me in the Lifestream. Patience was not one of his virtues... but he had always waited for me. As I would wait for him...

  
  
  


And I would finally find out if he still thought he loved me...

  
  
  


The End


End file.
